This post has been on my heart for years. I'm burdened by the amount of girls in our typical Christian culture today who are missing out on the joy of life because they are pining. Finally I have compiled my thoughts and some biblical principles on this and am here to share them with you. I'm not even close to perfect and I definitely don't have life figured out. I'm as human as anyone else and have so many struggles and challenges, every day. But there's something God has been showing me during my single years thus far, and I want to share it with you today.
Starting with the fact that I am twenty-four. I am single. And I love it.
If you would have told me ten years ago that I would be single at age twenty-four, I would've laughed at you. Me? Single at twenty-four? Seriously now. Nobody in their right mind would be single at twenty-four.
You see, I was very wise when I was thirteen. I had my life planned out. Sure, there were some unknowns. But this marriage thing? Oh, I had that down. I was confident; I knew how it would work. And since everything always works out like you think it should when you are thirteen...well, then.
I knew that I would be married at eighteen. Ah, that magical number. SO mature. Eighteen was that PERFECT age when life would really begin. I would marry a boy who was nineteen, just because that sounded right.
(Liesl + Ralph from "the Sound of Music" were my role models. =))
If, for some unforseable reason, there were problems (problems? At eighteen?), I would maybe miss marriage at eighteen, and then I would be stuck with getting married at nineteen. Which would be way old, but hey...it would work. By twenty-four I planned to have at least three babies, and I would be well on my way to being the mother of the world's next largest family.
Don't laugh. Please, don’t laugh. I would have been SO offended. =)
Obviously, life changed as I got older. I learned things. I think maybe I also decreased in wisdom. Sometimes I feel like I was much wiser when I was thirteen than I am now. Or maybe I just thought I was wise. Yes, I think that's more like it. I had all these "ideals", but no experience to go along with them!
But as I got older, things were more complicated. Things weren't so cut and dried. I learned that you don't just automatically turn eighteen and get married. Some people do. But some people don't.
And you know what? Contrary to what I thought back when I was thirteen...it is okay. In fact, if its not God's plan for you to get married when you're eighteen, than it's absolutely wonderful to be single!
Ten years later, I have learned a few things. I'm still learning, every day. Life is such a school of learning. But there are a few basic principles that go along with this whole idea of being satisfied during singleness.
Before even starting, let me say that I don't like the label "single". In fact, I really dislike it. I don't think of myself as single. When I think of single, I think of someone who is alone. And I am so not alone. I have Jesus, most importantly, and secondly I have one of the biggest and definitely the awesomest family in the whole world. Besides all that, I have hundreds upon hundreds of friends + extended family who make my life so full + rich.
But in this post, I use the word "single" because that is what most people are thinking of when they think of someone who isn't married. So I use it, not because I'm a fan of the term, but to better identify and make myself clear.
Moving on...
God has a different plan for every person. There is not a formula with this whole getting married thing. It is different for everyone. Everyone. For some girls, God's perfect timing is when they are seventeen and Mr. Right comes along. For other girls, no one comes along til they are twenty-five and then boom-it is Mr. Right and it all happens very fast. Then for other girls, there are a whole row of guys who think they (the guy) are her Mr. Right but it isn't actually Mr. Right until quite a while later in life. For still other girls, they meet someone and know right away that he is “the one” and they get married. For yet others, love comes softly...very softly. And sometimes, girls get stars in their eyes and don't act logically. Some girls lower their standards and give themselves away to the first guy who acts interested just because they want to get married that badly. Other girls are convinced they are such an epic catch that there are too good for everyone and anyone and they won’t give any guy a chance. There is every kind of situation out there.
In the midst of all of these different scenarios....if you think marriage is the ultimate goal for your life, you are wrong wrong wrong. If you think being married will make you more mature, or more godly, or more whatever, you are wrong. And if you think marriage will give you that dream life that you’ve been longing for, you are also wrong.
I know there are probably married critics who would say I have no business saying this about marriage, because I am single, not married, so how would I know what it's even like to be married?
True. I don't know what it's like. But this I do know. One can learn a lot from observation. I have spoken with many married women. Most of my closest friends are married women. I have attended weddings of more friends and relatives than I can count. I have watched, and observed, and listened, and observed some more.
And this is what I have found.
Marriage doesn't solve anything. (light bulb moment, haha! hopefully y'all already knew that!) Nothing will solve your problems but Jesus. Nothing will truly satisfy but Jesus. If you are waiting for a man to come along and sweep you off your feet and take away every worry + trouble that ever bothered you, you are wasting your time, because it won't happen like that.
At the risk of sounding feminist, I give you this quote:
"The smartest thing a women can ever learn, is to never need a man."
Obviously, I'm not a feminist.
But this general principle? Yes. Oh, yes. The smartest thing you can learn is that all you "need" for happiness is Jesus.
Now, a wonderful man might come along, and might sweet you off your feet, and you might think he is perfect. You might think life is finally going to really + truly happen for you, and that with your marriage your problems will all wash away.
But you know what?
If you haven't learned before marriage to be content in whatsoever state you are in...well then, my friend, I promise you that you will not be content once you are in the marriage state of things, either. That isn’t my opinion-it's what God says.
"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." -Philippians 4:11
Contentment only lies in Him-not in a person, or possessions, or circumstances. If you’re looking to be satisfied in something else you won’t be finding it until you come back to Jesus.
I've seen a lot of people get married. I've observed more relationships + marriages than I could count. I have counseled with girls who are going crazy just to get married. I have seen the tears, and heard the cries, of women who just want to be loved by a man, their own man. And just to be honest here, I'm getting really tired of the whining and the drama. After listening to a particularly ridiculous lament from a single young woman the other day, I told my sister that if I hear one more girl complaining about her "single status" I just might say something "quite sharp and sarcastic". (yes, I digress-sorry to quote Cranford in a post about singleness but I felt Miss Poole's words fit perfectly there =))
It is so sad, but there is a pattern. And I will share it with you. Every single time I have seen a girl like this get married (a girl who was "pining", and not truly content and living in joyful + radiant singleness) the forecoming future is so predictable. It plays out the same every time.
EVERY TIME. Without exception.
Finally, “the one” has come along, and she is giddy. Thrilled! Obsessed! She is totally wrapped up in her new man, because he is the one she has waited for to come and save her out of her distress of singleness. And now he is finally here, and life is perfect.
You've seen this type-she is literally in some sort of bubble all through her relationship. All that matters is that she has found a man. And she just "knows" that now life will truly begin.
She gets married. They go on their honeymoon. They get home from the honeymoon. And every.single.time, I can guarantee you, give her 2 months max....and she will be wailing about her new set of problems. The lack of finances, or her social status, or the new community she lives in, or her husband's weird habits that she can't get used to, or her awful in-laws, or something. But there will always be something wrong. I've seen it happen over and over again. And it always happens this way. Why? Because she wasn't satisfied before she got married.
"Happiness is an inside job. Don't assign anyone else that much power over your life."
It never ceases to amaze me how these girls think that men will solve all their troubles. What an injustice to men-to raise them up on a pedestal of perfection like that. Men are just as human as you are, dear girl. And they definitely can't solve your issues. Goodness, no.
Truth be told, more often than not, men just add issues to your life.
(I'm not slighting men here at all, just stating the facts. Your life will be simpler before men enter it!)
At this point I can just hear all of you married ladies rising up in all your matrimonial glory and saying “Life will be more wonderful after your man enters it!”
Well, I'll try to trust your experience that it will be grand, although I still think my life is pretty great as it is. =) But the point still remains that life will be more complicated. You will have things to deal with that you didn't have to think about before.
All this said. I am not downplaying marriage at all. If you are reading this with an open heart, than I think you will see + understand that. God instituted marriage from the very beginning + when the time is right and you know He has brought the right one, than go for it because then it will be His plan for you!
If you are currently "single"? Then embrace this season. Enjoy it. THANK JESUS for it. It is a beautiful season of life that He has given you and He desires you to live it whole-heartedly for Him.
Be satisfied in your singleness! If you are struggling, ask Him for grace. His love is more than sufficient to supply your every need. He knows what is best for you. He knows if you should be married at eighteen, or twenty-eight, or whatever age.
(And for a little encouragement: there is still a remnant of radiantly satisfied women who are twenty, twenty-five, thirty, thirty-five, forty..and all ages in between. Some are married, some are not. But they have something in common, and that is that they didn't find their fulfillment in a man. They found it in Jesus. I know women like these and Jesus just shines all over them. The ones that got married have some of the most beautiful marriages I've ever seen. And the ones that are still "single" live some of the most beautiful lives of joy and contentment imaginable)
Jesus wants you + I to live for HIM, not to live for marriage. He wants us to find the deepest desires of our hearts fulfilled in Him, not in a husband.
Is it hard for you to read this? Do you feel like you are going to have to give up your current mentality and dreams in order to choose to be satisfied? Just do it, please---the best way is always worth it no matter what difficulties stand in the way.
I leave you with these words of wisdom from one of my modern-day heroes of the faith:
"Whenever you surrender the most precious areas of your life to God, it is like trading in a pile of worthless pebbles for a truckload of priceless jewels."
{Leslie Ludy}
Choose satisfied, dear friend. Its the best way, everyday, no matter what season of life you are in.
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Do you agree? Disagree? Have additional thoughts? That's what the comment box is for! I'd love to see this post turned into a discussion of different readers, single or married, giving their thoughts + discussing different things that the Lord has revealed to them.
Seriously, it would be a huge blessing to me if y'all, as readers, would participate here in the discussion, so that we can grow together! All the effort put into posts is totally worth it if it blesses or challenges someone, and the only way I’ll know if it did that for you is if you tell me so!
Oh. And Happy Valentines Day. =)
-Chels
